Exploring Mom Guilt
In this post, we’ll explore the all too familiar, Mom Guilt, and why it affects so many hardworking and productive moms.
How often do you try to take some much-needed personal time, only to be hit with unwarranted feelings of guilt?
Guilty for not spending time with your family, guilty for not finishing your never-ending to do list, or not switching the laundry before heading out, or not doing a long enough workout, or choosing to take a long shower instead of working out, etc.
The list goes on and on.
Why Do We Feel So Guilty?
We have sacrificed so much of ourselves to ensure the survival of the species — our bodies, minds, and sometimes our spirits.
Nearly every aspect of our wellness is affected by this selflessness, yet taking any time for yourself feels traitorous.
Here’s the crazy part — taking time to tend to your own needs makes you such a better parent!
Logically, you know this and you can even make a case for why you shouldn’t feel guilty, but nevertheless the feeling remains.
It’s a classic case of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.
Again, why do we feel this way and where are these Mom Guilt feelings coming from?
Expectations
Our Own Expectations
Let’s start with our own expectations.
If you dreamed about being a mother, you probably had a clear picture in your mind of the type of parent you would be — A cool, relaxed mom with a tidy home and a great sense of humor.
Your children would be kind, love their vegetables, and get a full 12 hours of sleep each night.
Everything would be perfect.
Perfectionism
Life is not perfect and our realties seldom look like our fantasies.
Having this picture in your mind of what you wanted motherhood to be is a great way to always feel like you are failing — and who wouldn’t when compared to a naïve fantasy.
Motherhood is hard. There is no manual and no answer key. You can learn and prepare as much as possible, but a lot of parenting is trial and error.
This is not a bad thing, in fact, this is how we get to know our children — by learning how to best parent them individually — but this process is particularly difficult for those who strive for perfection.
Expectations of Others
The expectations of others, especially family members, can be exceptionally difficult.
The relationship between generations of mothers is undoubtedly special and sacred.
Every woman needs another woman in her life who’s been there before and can guide you in times of uncertainty, and motherhood is definitely full of uncertainty.
While most of the time this wisdom is wanted and helpful, sometimes it isn’t.
Much of motherhood and parenting will remain unchanged throughout time, but there are also huge differences in each generation.
What worked for your mother raising you, may not work today or even be advised — like sleep recommendations, drinking cow’s milk before the first birthday, or spanking.
We have access to so much more research and technology that of course our parenting styles will look different.
Sadly, these differences can result in hurt feelings and lead to negative, or even judgmental comments, causing you to second-guess your decisions and lose confidence in your own abilities and intuition.
Comparisons
Another generational difference is the presence of social media.
Yes, maybe our moms also judged each other’s parenting during social gatherings or while flipping through a photo album, but they definitely weren’t bombarded with filtered images of perfect parenting moments on Instagram or Facebook.
Again, logically we know that the lives of our friends are most likely not perfect or even better than ours, but the seed is planted, and the comparison begins.
You’re made to feel that if you haven’t exclusively breastfed, taken your children to Europe, or baked the perfect birthday cake — which now has to be vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, super delicious, and beautiful — you have failed as a mother.
Mom Shaming
Social media has also given us the ability to offer our opinions on whatever anyone else is doing.
Some people are sweet and supportive — some are not.
These comments come in a variety of shapes and sizes and can be direct or indirect, but they all amount to the same thing — you’re doing it wrong.
“Wow, that cake looks so yummy! Did you know you can use applesauce to reduce the amount of oil or sugar?”
You think you are doing a great job and want to share this proud moment with friends and family, but then you read the comments and are left feeling deflated and self-conscious.
Here’s the real problem with mom shaming — you may be guilty of it yourself without realizing it!
Start monitoring your conversations and feedback to other moms. Are you supporting their efforts or are you unwittingly making them feel bad?
Physical and Emotional Stress
Parenthood is full of stress.
Sometimes our bodies are in a state of chronic stress.
Lack of sleep, poor food choices, hurried meals, and the crazy body positions we put ourselves in to breastfeed, carry our children, and comfort them all take a toll.
Neck and back pain anyone?
We are so tuned in to our children’s needs that that we neglect our own, and are left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted — physically and emotionally.
What we really need is time to tend to our own needs.
We need time to sleep, eat a healthy meal (slowly), and time to regain our lost strength and fitness, and time to feel like our individual selves again.
But this time away from our children can make us feel selfish, like we are choosing ourselves over them.
Anger & Resentment
Sometimes we feel strong emotions like anger or resentment toward our our loved ones.
We feel angry that we can’t sleep, or eat, or take a shower, or go to the bathroom ALONE, and we feel angry that we feel guilty.
Shame & Guilt
After anger and resentment, you may feel ashamed for feeling that way.
You love your family and wouldn’t change a thing. You are grateful to have been blessed with such a wonderful life and can’t believe you ever resented it!
Bring on the guilt.
Self-Esteem
The way you feel about yourself and your ability to successfully parent will play a role in the amount of guilt you feel.
As a mom, especially a new mom, it’s easy to feel like you have no idea what you are doing, particularly if you are feeling judged by those close to you about the decisions you are making.
When we are growing up, our self-esteem is formed by the way we are treated by others. As adults, we may have more control over our feelings about ourselves, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t still affected by others.
Constantly second-guessing your values and decisions destroys your confidence. You begin to feel inadequate and that nothing you do is right.
You may feel isolated because no one else seems to be struggling with these feelings.
Depression
Again, being a mom is hard. It’s hard on you physically and psychologically.
You must tend to your needs, especially if you are struggling.
Strong feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, or hopelessness and changes in eating and sleep habits, could be symptoms of depression and shouldn’t be minimized or dismissed.
If you suspect you may be experiencing depression contact your healthcare provider.
You Do Not Have to Suffer
As you can see, moms have plenty of sources of guilt — and these are only a few of the possibilities!
It comes from outside influences, our loved ones, and ourselves. The very nature of motherhood sets you up for Mom Guilt.
What can you do about it?
You can overcome these feelings. You just need to find a new perspective.
1. It’s A Hard Job
First of all, accept that motherhood is the hardest job you will have and it is impossible to be perfect at it.
There is so much information to process — both fact and opinion — that it is nearly impossible to make a confident decision without second-guessing yourself.
It’s ok to feel strong emotions. You can’t always control how you react to situations, especially during times of severe stress, so be gentle with yourself.
That being said, watch out for feelings that do not go away and could be symptomatic of depression.
2. It’s Hard For Everyone
Secondly, accept that it’s hard for all moms and we’re all just trying to do our best.
We have different values, different experiences, and have different challenges. It’s ok that our lives look different.
Instead of looking at unwanted advice or feedback as harmful, try taking it for what it is — someone sincerely wanting to help you or someone needing to validate their own parenting decisions.
3. You Can Control Your Thoughts
Thirdly, accept that you can learn to manage these feelings. Just because you feel guilty, doesn’t mean that you need to feel guilty.
Interrupt these negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations and self-love.
You are doing a great job AND your needs are important.
Just like my favorite quote by Dr. Karen Lee reminds us, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” You must take time to fill it.
Yes, you are a mom, but you are not only a mom. You are an individual with real human needs.
Does Mom Guilt affect you? Please share your experience in the comments below. We all need to feel heard and supported.
Learn more about Mom Guilt and how to overcome it with this week’s YouTube video “Overcoming Mom Guilt”.
Sarah Morgan is Wellness Coach for Women, specializing in helping busy moms find manageable ways to meet their health and wellness needs without the Mom Guilt. Learn more about working with Sarah.
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